I have multiple, invisible disabilities, including bipolar disorder and PTSD, with also a very high level of anxiety in any situation. I have a full time job with a large corporation. I have worked there for 15 years, been talking about my disability with my supervisor for years, whenever it seemed appropriate. I thought I could trust her.
Then, one day, I had to go on medical leave for a good while. Lots of people showed support with donations of paid leave, until my employer cut it off. My boss was helpful, but not kind. She was charitable, but not compassionate. In fact, she told my wife one day that I had picked a bad time to be sick, and that I shouldn’t come back until I was 100 percent. While I was out, I had to check in with my boss every two weeks, and had to meet with her and the VP several times, as well. They were over the top with words of the entire company’s support, and their willingness to accommodate me in any way they could. When I told them I would be returning to work, they were ecstatic. After all, I am the most experienced and knowledgable member of our department, and one of the highest producers. The VP was full of warnings, though. I would be treated like any other employee, not given any special treatment, and I would be expected to perform normally.
My boss suggested closing my door, to cut down on distractions and interruptions, but she did not show any kind of empathy or concern for me, other than my production, my numbers. No communication, at any time, in any other way. At one point she told me for the first time that I had not met my quota for seven months. I had mistakenly trusted her to let me know if there was a concern about my job performance, but this was the first. Things went from bad to worse, and one day I packed up my office. I was ready to be fired. When my wife and I met with my supervisor later that week, my wife mentioned what I had done. They were super defensive, but later cut to the chase: I would be given 60 days to increase my numbers to an acceptable amount, then I would be terminated. They asked if there was anything they could do to help. I said I felt isolated. That was all I could say.
I should have said I felt ashamed, humiliated, helpless, worthless. They had taken away my administrative and training responsibilities, and my unspoken role as a senior Indexer. They told everyone to leave me alone, not seek my help, not ask me any questions about my condition or why I had been out for so long. At first, I appreciated it. But there were several instances where I was treated like I was a top producer, with lightening skills, or a problem solver for my boss. Sometimes my boss would ask me about things that were going on, that would only have been appropriate if I was serving as admin. Mixed messages, at the least. In truth, I missed having a meaningful, mutually respectful, encouraging connection with my boss. And I missed being respected, treated with dignity, and feeling like I had value, by everyone. What I finally realized, is that I missed being treated like a human being.
No one in leadership cares. They are not leaders, they are managers. Only a true leader will care, and you usually don’t find them where you want them to be, or where they should be. Best advice: Be a leader. Make people listen to you. Speak up as much as possible. Don’t discriminate as to who is your friend or enemy, or who you like or dislike. It is not only a civil rights issue. More importantly, it is a human rights issue. Any member of a vulnerable population is seen by most people as not human. That is how they deal with us because it makes it easier to ignore our thoughts and feelings. But, the part that may surprise you is that we are seen as a threat. People are scared of vulnerable people because they see themselves in us, that part of themselves that they are most afraid of, that is, helplessness to be in control. The truth is, no one is really in control. Deep down, everyone knows this. And their fear and anxiety are very real, legitimate feelings. Most people hide them, as much as possible. But that is their greatest weakness: Shame, fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, all are hidden, because they are not acceptable for robots.
Robots? Yes, the industrial, capitalist world has turned the majority of humanity into robots. They are not allowed to feel or think, only produce. They are seen as objects, monetary assets, numbers. The only way to change that, is to be sensitive, caring, kind, and compassionate, while at the same time, insisting on being treated with dignity and respect. But they have to trust you first. Until they trust you, they will not respect you. Look for opportunities to help others, even with a smile. Don’t wait for people to ask how you are doing or feeling. Ask them first. You will multiply your allies exponentially that way. There is great strength in numbers, and that’s what gains respect: Numbers.
So, let’s all be a different kind of number, a group, a team, a family of numbers. But we will be a number of human beings, real people that have worth, no matter who they are, or what they do, or don’t do. Employed or unemployed. Homeowner or homeless. Healthy or sick. Serene or stressed. A number of human beings, that insist on being treated with respect, dignity, compassion, and sensitivity. People that have feelings, that are treated like feelings are okay, even negative feelings. This cruel world is breaking the spirits of all that try to force themselves into the mold that is expected, the mold of being a robot. Be a human instead. You may lose a lot of attachments that way, from most people, most employers, even most friends and family. To be human is to be attacked, blamed, wounded, hurt, ostracized. Humanity is just not human anymore.
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